We are constantly telling ourselves stories.
Stories about who we are. What we’re capable of (and what we’re not). What we should want. What we should be grateful for. What we can change and what we think we can’t.
But they don’t usually feel like stories. They feel like facts. Like things we know about ourselves and the way our lives work.
Some of those stories help us move forward. Others hold us back, keeping us in places we’ve outgrown or making possibilities harder to see.
And then life gives us new information. Something we’ve always believed about ourselves doesn’t feel quite as true anymore. Something we thought we’d always want isn’t what we want now. Or we start to picture a future that is different than anything we imagined for ourselves before.
And so, the story isn’t quite so settled. And that can be confusing.
Sometimes we need to look more closely at the story we’ve been telling ourselves.
Questions help us do that.
What Are You Telling Yourself?
When we answer a thoughtful question, we often hear ourselves say things we’ve repeated so many times we’ve stopped noticing them. An assumption. A rule we’ve made for ourselves. Something we decided was true years ago. Or an idea about who we are that doesn’t fit quite as well as it once did.
This is the heart of how I coach. By answering questions you can hear what you’re telling yourself and where those ideas came from. I’ll ask you what’s still true, what’s changed and what you may be ready to see differently.
Good questions also draw your attention to what excites you, what you want more of and what you’ve been imagining for yourself. They can help bring strengths, values and possibilities into view that weren’t part of the story before.
The questions below are ones I often ask at the beginning of a coaching partnership. These are my own answers to some of those questions and the stories behind them.
Do you dip your toes in the water or dive right in?
I’m the toes in, feel my way around first type. That’s how I deal with change. But once I’m in, I’m all in.
I’m an introvert and an observer; I notice things. Small things that other people might gloss over. I’m a thinker and an excellent listener – thoughtful about what I give my attention to, how I respond and ask questions.
While I’ve known since I was a kid that my quietness was the source of many of my strengths and gifts, it took me a long time to show that comfort outwardly. In fact, while becoming a trained coach and being coached by my fellow trainees, I realized what a benefit it is.
Are you as resilient as you’d like to be?
I have deep reserves of optimism and resilience. At 30, when work and life were coming together for me, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. While it is definitely manageable, it impacts my life significantly.
It was daunting in the beginning because there were many adjustments to be made in managing diabetes itself, as well as my lifestyle and mindset. I went to counselling, learned coping techniques and began looking forward to the future again.
Managing diabetes is about discipline, timing, consistency, and keeping a healthy mindset. The same qualities necessary to adapt to any kind of change and find enjoyment even amid difficult circumstances.
What’s your passion?
Travelling is a passion. The logistics of planning a road trip, international travel, or a bear watching trip while also managing diabetes away from home means I know how to see the big picture and work out the small details.
I know how to look for potential problems, adapt on the fly and see opportunities instead of roadblocks.
Writing and photography are also my passions. Having a passion (or several) reduces stress, engages your heart and mind, stimulates curiosity and encourages creativity. It can also give you a place to use parts of yourself that don’t always have somewhere to go in your working life.
Your passion doesn’t need to be your career.
It is for some people. Perhaps, that’s what you’re looking to change now. Don’t feel pressured to keep looking for it because that’s what you think you should do.
My photography doesn’t need to become a photography business. My writing doesn’t need to become a book. I don’t need to become a travel influencer. They are simply things I love having in my life. And my life is bigger and more interesting because they’re part of it.
Do you ever feel like you’re treading water?
During the last few years at the library, I felt like I was treading water. I was putting in the effort and doing the best I could. However, I didn’t feel like I was going where I wanted to go. I began to feel out of sorts with the work that was expected in my role and the environment I was in.
But, there were also friendships and inspiration to be found in working for an organization that serves the community, but it was also exhausting and stressful.
There were new challenges and new opportunities put in my path, so I kept on treading water. Eventually, I became quite skilled at it. However, that meant at the end of the work day, I was done. Exhausted. Depleted.
My work provided a comfortable life, but I knew I was capable of something more that wasn’t going to be revealed if I stayed where I was.
The Bargaining Phase
Maybe you can tell by my stories I was bargaining with myself a lot. Thoughts like, “It’s not so bad; I should feel lucky to have a good job. I have friends here. I belong here.”
What are you determined to do in your lifetime?
I was determined to figure out what kind of contribution I wanted to make in the second half of my life and career. This was when the inner, tiny sparks of possibility began to emerge and I started to change the stories I was telling myself.
So, the great thing about treading water at that time?
It was a safe place to be while I made a plan. It made me stronger and more resolute, and I started to believe I could handle anything. My resolve only deepened over time.
Once you know what you are capable of, everything around you starts to look different.
I was still treading water, but it was now with purpose and focus and a plan to move forward.
There is room for everyone to be who they are.
It doesn’t matter whether you dive into the deep end of the pool or dip your toes in at the shallow end. Whether you are the person who lights up a room when you walk in or if you enter quietly and take it all in…a go-getter or someone who takes the scenic route.
Maybe you think of yourself as someone in between.
The stories we tell ourselves shape what we notice about who we are, what we expect from ourselves and what we believe is possible. But our stories can change as we do, with threads running through them.
Our values. Our strengths. Our experiences. What we’ve learned and what matters to us. They connect who we’ve been with who we’re becoming. The more of those threads we make room for, the more the story can become our own.
And here it is, 6 years later now…
I wrote this in 2020, about a year after leaving the library and in the midst of beginning my coaching business. I remember what that time felt like, but it doesn’t have the same emotional pull anymore.
I’m doing the thing I set out to do.
I chose this work because I wanted to help people in a meaningful way. It suits me. I like it.
People trust me with the parts of their lives and careers that aren’t always easy to talk about, from struggles and doubts to ideas, hopes and ambitions. I learn what matters to them, their values and priorities. the strengths they bring and the experiences that have shaped them. Those threads are different for everyone. So is what they want for their life and work.
My work with each person is deeply person and unique. I witness breakthroughs, see self-trust emerge and celebrate the changes and successes that matter to them. I see the real difference it makes when people recognize more of what they’re capable of and begin to shape things differently for themselves.
After years now of being part of other people’s stories, I have a pretty remarkable view into human nature. I’ve met people I wouldn’t otherwise have met and found kindred spirits among clients. I appreciate that something I might not want for myself matters deeply to someone else.
We all have stories. And because I made a decision to change mine, I get to spend my days hearing yours and helping you shape the story you want to tell going forward.
It’s good work, and a good life.
If you’re looking for some space and perspective to look at your life and career differently, I’d be happy to help.
